How can I relax when I am in so much pain?
"Relax baby," Hamid said sitting on my back. When he penetrated, I screamed.
"Are you alright?"
"I said to relax…" the gynecologist says. I want to scream. But the secretary is sitting too close by.
"I said R-E-L-A-X."
I shouldn’t have come here. I should have let it go.
"Listen. I have a girl of your age."
I wonder if she knows I am thirty now.
"What if he leaves you?"
I have started to sweat. Is Hamid leaving me? "Are you leaving me?" The light from the lamp on the ceiling is right in my eyes. I look away. The phone rings. Now I hear the secretary's voice. I can picture her biting into a doughnut while answering the phone.
I am being torn in two and she is standing there with her gloves on looking so serious. Now she is applying gauze. I see the blood.
"Because you didn't relax you have a slight tear. It has nothing to do with the hymen. I'll give you cream for it. "
"It's deep inside. It is not damaged..."
Now I have a tear.
"I have a tear."
"Don’t know. Somewhere…"
“Where did you get it?”
“At the gynecologists”
“Why did you go to the gynecologist?”
“Are you alright?”
"Let me see your tear."
"I am careful. I am very very careful," Hamid says as he comes closer.